Another unproductive night. I don’t want to do anything, but I don’t feel guilty about it this time. Yeah, I made up my work, yeah, I’ve made everyone in my immediate extremities happy - where’s time for me?
Guess I’ve just been feeling really angsty lately, for the past couple of months. One lesson to remember: you got to watch out for other people, but you can’t ever forget about yourself. You just miss far too much. There’s a keen skill to be learned in discovering which sacrifices are worth making and which are not. The right times to make others happy before yourself. Earn a virtue or two.
And it’s just this skill I’m having trouble with. Everyone just comes first. And when the time comes for me, just purely time where nobody distracts me, I don’t have anything to worry about (just for the moment)… it usually turns to sleep. And when I wake up, everything’s back to where it was when I just found the time for myself.
They were invented long, long before you could actually record sound. They’re nostalgic because they’re so old and complex and, well, outdated. Mostly kept for sentimental value.
Mindblowingly epic.
Have you ever looked at the stars and wondered, “Is there a reason for me to look up there?” Some people see them as just a pretty sight. Some people just ignore them and blatantly accept them as an unchangeable fact of life, things to coexist with. It’s the people that can beautifully insert meaning into the stars, or whatever is thrown at them, that have a better grasp on life than others. To know who or what made them who they are - never to forget their upbringings as they apply these sights to something meaningful - is something not to be overlooked.
It’s all about purpose. Why am I here? Why didn’t I just go shoot myself if life isn’t worth living and I’m not afraid of the bullet? I’ve been starting to see that some of us, if not most of us, live life more effectively and purposefully if there’s a tie that binds us to this earth. I live for a God worth praising as well as other goals and persons that have impacted my life, to say the least. These are my upbringings, my shaping factors. What do I live for? That question can leave us in insecurity sometimes, but sometimes a simple glance at the stars or some abstract sight can cure just about anything…
The upbringings aren’t everything, though. We’ve picked up and learned from people. It’s time to be pillars for others who will soon look up to us. It’s time to be the next persons others think of when they look into the stars, or at least a basis for inspiration. Not all of us think of someone when the stars shine their light on us every night. But we can help. We are our own persons, regardless of how dependent we may be on one another. We’ve lived enough on this earth to realize that as we take from others, we give back. All we need is that sense of security to help us realize that we’re not wrong, that push to get us going, and we’ll be on our way to becoming the next mentors of others. Maybe it doesn’t solve the “purpose” question, and those are just answers we’ll have to find on our own throughout life. But a little selflessness doesn’t hurt, no?
Pondering what’s been happening lately…
- ****** **: I had something witty to say, but i forgot it. Among the daily struggles, one is lost from themselves... Can't remember for the life of me.
3 minutes of gaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Sadly enough, we can only be at one place at a time, and the cliche “run to one place, go to another” plan is not realistic. So what do we do when schedules conflict? One person or event always has priority over another if both do not share the same level of importance. That means one has to lose to another, one succumbs…
And in this conflict between persons and events, we see a degree of loyalty in ourselves start to form. Why do I prefer to see this person instead of this one? Why do I go to such extents to talk to this one, while I exert a half-hearted effort to keep in touch with that one? Our bonds with others do not match up equally, as human nature dictates that we have preferences. It’s this word, preferences, that summarizes the reasons for our choices to meet certain people, to go to certain places…
Is our loyalty tested in the process? Are we getting tired of keeping up with the unchosen option? Does person B become a shadow in the dark while person A takes all the glory? And what of our relation to person B? What has that come to? There’s a deeper word than preferences, and another influence for our preferences comes down to an innate quality in us that we should take pride in:
Loyalty.
Husbands secure the loyalty of their wives, high school couples should secure the loyalty of their significant others, and even pets give their loyalty to their masters. It’s easy to give, but requires thought to maintain. Why am I still talking to this person? Why does this place attract me so? What’s in this person that’s worth noticing and worth for me to talk to? Loyalty requires not as much thought the first time as the indefinite period of time afterwards - only then do the self-evaluations and pensiveness begin to shine and reveal our intentions. And our intentions may have a noble quality to it, while other intentions may be more selfish.
Once you give someone power and attention, and you see what they do with it, you find out who they are deep inside.
It saddens me how I can’t just lie flat on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and think to myself “life is good” anymore. Sitting on the couch typing this does not give me as much contentment as it used to when I had less to worry about and more freedom to ponder. What’s been burdening me?
For starters, I’m starting to realize the effects of the two extremes - taking too much consideration into a person’s feelings and needs, and taking not enough of those. Maintaining that delicate balance is something I am not used to at all; in fact, I’m really only used to paying a certain amount of concern to someone before branching off into indifference. Indifference - how harsh when I type it, yet how natural when I live it…
On the other hand, I think it’s the lack of indifference that’s been disturbing my natural flow. I decided to try something new and actually try to involve myself more into people’s own lives, offering company and talks beyond comfort, and as a result, a smack in the face, embarrassments, and saying/doing things I know I will regret are my dues. And it’s not just one person, either.
Honestly, I feel like a gay friend to those I talk with. Not gay as in homosexual or lame. Gay as in “not normal for my standards as a male”. And I don’t like it.
Before that little experiment, I’ve been living in one end of the spectrum, and by the end of my little “change”, I’m now tipping over the edge of the other side. What’s worse, I’m acting and feeling very unstable now. What to expect of others, what others expect out of me - and that’s just being self-conscious, something I shouldn’t be. I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t know what to say when I IM, I don’t know what to talk about, and… I’m acting in a self-conscious manner, not a self-aware one.
Does that mean I should stop caring? To that extent, yes. To a lesser one… no. Maybe I should realize that just as I have the right to live my life, others do as well - and without intervention by others. Plain English? Space. I’d like that “life is good” feeling and no more instability. I want my sense of footing back.
To truly depend on someone… I don’t think I’ve even thought about this until she came along. How could I find the capacity in me, after all of these years of withdrawing to self, rarely to never depending on others for help, and figuring everything out on my own, to actually place my faith, my trust, my thoughts in someone that I have the privilege of seeing every so often? It’s as if I’m learning to walk for the first time. But just as a newborn infant stumbles, so too do I fall along this new path of life…
I thought we were made to function as individuals, not parts of a whole. From this question, there’s this kind of transformation that’s taking place within me, some revelation that I can actually accept and even embrace, that’s making me let go of this sheer individualism I based my perspective on life about. It’s as if some significant other, crossing paths with me, wanted to share more than the road we walked on. She wanted to hold my hand along the way…
Standing in front of these crossroads, I don’t know which way to look. I’m honestly confused. Sometimes I forget the reason why I even am holding her hand along the path we share. How long does the road stretch out? Is there an end to this journey? My eyes certainly have been opened, my mind enlightened because of her; but does that mean I’ll have to make this stop? I don’t want to end this now, or even when I graduate from high school. Why abandon so abruptly what has made me a better individual? I like what I see, I enjoy what I have - and I wish (foolishly or not?) that the road we tread continues for just a bit longer than realism dictates.
Perhaps this confusion is just part of this “transformation”. It’s really hard to accept what’s been suggested to me… this companion, my hand to hold along this road, someone I value very much - how do I view her now? Is the end in sight, or is this merely a beginning of what is to come? Is she the first of many, or the end of this part of life I even dared to venture into? She has offered me so much to be grateful about, so much to cherish, and I don’t think I have the capacity to so abruptly break this attachment. Five months ago, I never knew what was to come… and I didn’t assume I would be this involved, so intrigued, in what has been placed in front of me. Then again, I guess it’s just human to do so, and nobody is above that to bend against characteristics that make the person who he/she is.
She might be reading this right now. And yes, I am confused. I apologize for the instability whenever you’ve seen me in action, but I’ll have it worked out in several nights of staring at the ceiling. Broken promises, regrets, and sincere apologies that don’t seem to fix what’s been vexing me - it’s these that trouble me. I appreciate your companionship, and I do value you as my partner; maybe that’s what I should consider as important right now, and no more…
